Thursday, September 21, 2006

Krill 'n' Da Hoodia

You ever get on a health food kick?

One day your lookin' down at your double cheese Whataburger with extra onions and in mid-chomp get an "aha!" moment: Wow, I could'a had a V8!

Nah, me neither. I never wish for a glass of puréed tomatoes, beets and carrots while enjoying a nice hamburger.

Later though, with serious onion breath interrupting my co-worker's airspace, I get the guilt jerks; my Gmail in-box is stuffed with health missives from Dr. Mercola warning me of what happens to the human body after massive consumption of processed foods.

So, vowing I will never again let such poison pass through my inner workings, I search health news website looking for that perfect diet - the one that prevents hunger pains and curbs a heavy brownie addiction, a nutrition plan that will restore a natural blushing pink to my cheeks (either set) and put pep in my step.

On my next lunch hour, I head for the ye olde vitamin shoppe where I can get free advice from the gurus of ginseng, the dali lamas of liver oil. One can't just toss back nutrients willy-nilly, you know. If you take a high dose of calcium, you must "balance" it with the proper amounts of magnesium. That old high school chemistry class left me ill-prepared in comprehending the intricacies of mineral dosing and chelating the body of bad toxins.

The sweet young clerk in the official white lab coat directs me to an aisle with shelving upon shelving filled with potions, lotions, and mysterious-looking labels. And just what particular ailment am I trying to cure? Hmmm, I have to pick one? Okay, well, general malaise.

$100 bucks later, I walk out feeling a familar pocketbook pain. I think I have only substituted one sickness for another; sloppy careless eating habits with sloppy careless monetary sense habits.

This evening after polishing off eight different capsules and horse-pills, I sit down at the computer. What's this? An email from the Sierra Club?

The tiny krill is a big deal to penguins, which rely on the shrimplike crustacean as a major food source. The Antarctic krill population has dropped by 80 percent since the 1970s, according to a recent study by the British Antarctic Survey that analyzed data collected over 40 summers. Krill feed primarily on algae that grow under sea ice, which has decreased by an annual average of 8 percent — and twice that during the summer — over the last 30 years. If these trends continue, krill-loving Antarctic whales, seals, and seabirds are also at risk.

With a pang, I suddenly remember the $29.99 bottle of super duper phospholipid omega-3 capsules. The ones made from pure Antartic krill.

Good gravy, I am supporting companies who steal food from baby Shamu amd sweet little Chilly Willy. Crap and double crap. Okay, so now I know and I will pay more attention to the ingredients and harvesting methods of vitamin suppliers.

Back to the Sierra Club website, I make tiny amends by donating money. Then, with a vigor I thought was waning and nearly lost, I compose a strident letter of rebuke to the manufacturers of the krill capsules and make a copy to wrap around the bottle I intend to return to ye old vitamin shoppe.

Near bedtime, I catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. My eyes are shining and my cheeks are glowing. Amazing what a healthy dose of anger and indignation can do! Opening the medicine cabinet, I study each new purchase with sharper eyes. Nothing else appears to be offensive. Hopefully my body will benefit from some of these overpriced vegetables-in-a-bottle, but for now, I am just glad I took some action and...(you saw this coming)

...the krill is gone.


Wanda Tucker said...


You so bad!

goldenlucyd said...

Ooohhh. ouch. That was so good.

DarkoV said...

"...krill is gone.", indeed.

Oh, CP, B.B. King's turning in his grave....and he isn't even dead yet (Thank God!)

Jim said...


Anonymous said...

You should have taken the rest of the krill stuff so the little beasties didn't die in vain.

Though I want us all to be good stewards of our environment (or start right away), I figure once an animal's food supply is gone there's no reason to keep them around. Am waiting for the righteousness population to die off so over-zealous Sierra Club activists will calm down a little. Maybe switch to granola, save a whail.

- Texas T-bone

Erin said...

Now THAT is funny stuff!

Cowtown Pattie said...

Erin, are you patting my back or T-Bone's? He is always a reliable source of sharp wit!

At any rate, thanks!

Roger Bourland said...

I went into health stores 3 or 4 times only to realize that the folks who worked in each of them seemed on the verge of death. Lost my enthusiasm.

Trace said...

My goodness, ain't all that the truth; & then some! Think I'll go buy a box of cream-filled donuts and several new pocketbooks-- and, just so I don't spend more on one addiction than another, I'll load up on some iced mochas from Starbucks. Smooches...

SpookyRach said...

This is great!

joared said...

Oh-h-h-h ... "the krill is gone" ... how could you? On second thought, how could you not?

What with your visit to the health store and all those purchases, guess you're getting ready to write a book ..."Pills In A Bottle." Is that title taken?