Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Da Memely Happy Stick As Passed By Elisson

Mr. Sophisticate, he of the Turd In A Punchbowl compositions, has tagged me. He took all the good answers, but will give it my best shot:

What were three of the stupidest things you have done in your life?

(We'll just exempt two previous husbands on this one. They get a pass since their redemption includes my superbly smart daughters.)

1. Slathering my long blonde hair in a double handful of Miracle Whip, wrapping it all up in plastic wrap and sleeping in this pungent concoction on a Sunday night before school (sophomore in high school) on Monday morning. The cure (which called for mayonnaise not salad dressing, but in my household Miracle Whip ALWAYS substituted for mayo) was supposed to restore luster and beauty to split ends and dry, dull hair. After two sudsings with Prell, I still smelled like a walking bologna sandwich. Time ran out, had to go to school and ran into my best friend who had convinced me to try this little beauty secret. We both burst out laughing at the sight of our salad-dressed hair. Wasn't fair, she wimped out and claimed she was dying of cramps to the school nurse and went home early.

2. At age 14 I discovered the allure of the "older" man. Goofily, giddily in love with all the hunky lifeguards (ages 17 - 20) at Ridglea Pool Association, I foolishly sat from early morning till way past lunchtime underneath the guard chair of Adonis-in-a-speedo, Jon. Even though I had a nice golden tan, the morning rays off the pool burned my face and upper body to a Crispy Critter. Suffered a mild sunstroke and passed out in my hallway about midnight when attempting a bathroom call. Even stupider, I went back to the pool the next day, although I stayed in the shade of the trees on the grassy sides. Next few days my face scabbed over and I looked like something from Dawn of the Dead.

3. A rainy November night, October,1969: my best friend (yes, she of the Miracle Whip wonder cure)had just gotten her for-real driver's license. We were going to a school Sadie Hawkins dance and she had convinced the boyfriend du jour to let her drive his prized baby blue Cougar. The last words my mother said to me, "Don't get in a car if 'D' is driving!". In the proverbial ear and out the other. D pulled out of boyfriend's dad's service station onto a rain-slicked Hwy 377. Not used to the car nor driving on wet asphalt, D gave the Cougar far too much petro and we commenced to slowly spin and arc in a large circle across the highway, stopping almost a full 360 from whence we began, but fortunately facing the right direction of traffic. No matter, we still got plowed in the rear by a guy just leaving Maxine's after a few tanks of ale. Sitting in the middle of the backseat, I was leaning forward between the bucket seats. Upon impact, my body was stopped from being fully propelled through the front windshield by my shoulders which were karate-chopped by said bucket seats, but proved to be a blessing of a sorts. Lied to my mother when I got home that evening about having a good time, never telling the truth about the wreck. I was in complete fiery agony all night, and the morning brought this little fibber to confession and a trip to the doctor. Broken collarbones bilaterally. Such fun.

At the current moment, who has the most influence in your life?

Most assuredly my beloved Kman. Tied with first place would be my daughters, and second would be the gentleman who signs my biweekly paycheck.

If you were given a time machine that functioned, and you were allowed to only select up to five people with whom to dine, who would you pick?

This, of course, is most often answered similarly as Elisson did quite eloquently. Being the family historian, I think I would like to sit down with my great great grandparents (both mine and Kman's but this might pose a problem with the limit of 5). What a wonderful opportunity this would be to actually meet my ancestors and learn their stories firsthand! Priceless.

If you had three wishes that were not supernatural, what would they be?

1. To have enough money to live quite comfortably and share with my family.
2. Good health and a long life with Kman
3. Good healthy lives for all my children, and the grandchilden to come.

Name two things you regret your city not having, and two things people should avoid.

1. Regret the lack of really superb public schools, and a healthcare system that really works for all Cowtownians.

2. People should avoid: the now weirdly waterless Water Gardens downtown (due to a tragic drowning accident last year), and any beer joints on the Jacksboro Highway.

Name one thing that has changed your life.

Getting a very fortunate early cancer diagnosis which was speedily halted with surgery and probably saved my life.

Not going to tag anyone with this, but feel free to participate if the urge strikes ya!


Bill said...

Miracle Whip?
It is not appropriate to use it on a bologna sandwich, either.

K. said...


WV: dooffas

lara said...

HAHHAHAH mom, avoid any beer joint on jacksboro highway... tis true, they are the armpit of Fort Worth!!! Although, I can not say without lying that I have not ventured into more than one of them a time or two... mainly to people watch... kinda like going to walmart at midnight LOL

Kay Dennison said...

I liked the mayo story!!! Too funny!!!!!

Wish I had time to do this.

Joe said...

I remember having the brilliant idea, when I was in my longhair early 20's, of dining at Massey's on Jacksboro Hwy, thinking that it was the same as Masseys on 8th Ave and that I could have a fine chickenfried steak there. It was very much not the same place and did not serve food but it did have a number of inebriated loyal patrons who did their best imitation of those guys in Charlie Daniels's "Uneasy Rider"...they started looking real suspicious at me and made me think maybe I should just go on over to 8th Ave. after all.

I never did anything like the miracle whip deal, but I do remember a guy in high school....Steve somebody, who wanted a mustache but only had fuzz so he died it with shoe polish or something which got all over his skin, so he tried to remove it with straight bleach which burned up his upper lip and took weeks to heal. Wonder if he ever did manage to grow a mustache. hmmm...

Xtreme English said... Texans live wild lives!!

Elisson said...

I gotta say, I am both honored and puzzled. Honored, that you should respond to my Memely Tag... and puzzled that it took four and a half years for you to do so. That has gotta be some kind of record in the Bloggy-Sphere - it certainly is in my personal experience.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading your answers! Miracle Whip, indeed. You must've smelled like a chicken salad for weeks...

Greenhuntingcat said...

My wife and I are baby boomers. She used various beauty concoctions as a girl (she has told me) and continues to use them to this day. With excellent results. I don't think she ever tried the Miracle Whip hair conditioner however...