"How To Be a Texan" - No Experience Necessary

Before we begin, I must clarify, sanctify, and preachify about the southern word "ya'll". When we say "ya'll come" to someone we mean the whole family.  When we say "do ya'll have really cold northers?",  we're talking about the whole town.

You never go up to a single person and ask "do ya'll have a beer?" cause you ain't askin' the world for a long neck, only one person.

You gotta know your conjugations, cowboy.

And word to the wise, we never, ever say "you all".  Mebbe "yew" but never "you all".  That's Yankee for ya'll (with many pardons to my very favorite up north friends !!) .

A brief dictionary of Texas words with pronounciation:

rat cheer: in this very place

rat chonder: over thetaway

bob warr: something to keep cattle in pasture

cheer: a sittin' on thang

amulants: a thang that takes you to the hospital when your lag is broke

syreen: a noise the amulants makes

puh cons: not pee cans, but tasty little things from a tree

punchard tar: goes flat when you don't have a spare

texaco all company: (say it out loud ) oil refineries

airrers: mistakes

far angine: something you call if yore house is burnin'

Ehr Ull: a man's name (Errol)

ignert: not smart

ranch: tool used to tighten bolts

farn: not domestic

bare: an alcoholic beverage

hire yew?: a greeting ( Heidi, Hire yew?)

view: contraction and pronoun "I ain't never seed New York City - view?"

Further, you know you are in Texas when:


The preacher says a prayer for the Dallas Cowboys

Restrooms are outside

No such thing as a "secret" sin

Folks gripe about coyotes being on the Ark

Hot water comes out of both taps

Break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 AM before work

Discover how to drive a car with 2 fingers in July

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is that you will get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death

Asphalt has a liquid state

Potatoes bake underground, all you have to do is pull one out and add salt and pepper

Farmers feed chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs ( aaigs if you are Texan)

You hear a Texan say "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7 year-old."

Hope all my non-Texan friends enjoy this lesson in language!