Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Belly Up to the Beauty Bar, Gals!


I write like
Chuck Palahniuk

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* Again from the I Write Like site....

I knew today was gonna be bad. I left the house without refining my pores. Every wannabe pageant queen knows that spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e in the world of beauty. Just mention sleeping with day-old makeup on at the female powerlunch table and you are greeted with rows of raised, but deftly waxed eyebrows, giving the eerie feeling of having lunch with with a group of hoot owls.

"You know what happened to Destiny DeVine? She never washed her make-up off at night, scared someone might see her barefaced (a no-can-do for a head cheerleader). She is more wrinkled now than one of those ugly dogs - a Sharpie? All because she left Cover Girl liquid foundation two inches thick on her face for years on end, the nasty fake orangey tan color, at that." Wise owlish nods all around the table.

The talk turns to the Counter of Beauty at the local Suburban Bloat Mall, which moisturizer works the best and what will keep the fountain of youth forever gushing. I make the mistake of saying I use Dollar Store baby-oil to remove mascara, then just wash my face with whatever bodywash happens to be in the shower. Sudden embarrassed silence; this is a mean crowd. For the next half-hour I am given a crash course in Cleansing for Goddesses. Rule Number One: NEVER EVER MIX BRANDS. If you start with a Lady Godiva cleansing bar, then you must have the facial scrub, toner and night cream from Her Costly Highness. Don't you dare wash with Clinique, and follow with Rexal witch hazel, hell no! Nevermind that the Clinique toner (and one MUST be toned) - is 80% distilled water and 20% generic witch hazel and rubbing alcohol. Scary urban legends follow these admonishments with what happens to women who randomly accessorize beauty regimens.

It would appear that some women are willing to forfeit their firstborn's college education to have their bathroom cabinets reflect this fanatical dedication to skin care, and their men better damn well appreciate it. No Beauty School Dropouts here, these women have their own personal esthetician write out uniquely tailored prescriptions for eradicating every blotchiness and deep impurity. Who wants to walk around in public with all their impurities showing? Ugly images and thoughts come to mind, like dingy underwear with holes or bras that have lost their underwiring.

Just reading the words on the designer bottles will make you feel gorgeous before you even open the lid: radiant, revitalizing, luminous, nourished, hydrated, and infused with ingredients that belong on your refrigerator door shelf: almond, chamomile, citrus, avocado oil and honey.

Now, I guess I better hide my Udderly Smooth Udder Cream under the vanity sink behind the half-used jars of Noxema, the ones with the brown-crusted leftover cream around the rim, before any of these gently exfoliated ladies drop by for a visit. Wouldn't want them to think I have unrefined pores. Yep, that's the way it is for us Marilyn Monroe types.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mother Dearest,
This is your youngest...and were you referring to MY CLINIQUE TONER that sits prominently on my bathroom beauty supply shelf? I just so happen to use it religiously twice daily. Thank You Very Much! As well as the make-up remover, the cream cleanser, the bar face soap and the lotion. I enjoy my beauty regimen thoroughly! And tsk tsk for you not cleaning off your day-old make up...in ten years you'll like like JOYCE, and you'll have done it without the cigs. Shame, shame. Wash your dirty face, woman. (but I will still love you all the same, you and your wrinkles!)
Thought you'd enjoy some your 20 yr old's 2 cents.
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY. I LOVE YOU MAMA!!!

-The Em-pop

i;ajgnlkaj said...

Leaving the house without refining your pores is just unforgiveable and I expect a photograph of you languishing (pores refined, of course) in the basement in sackcloth and chains with ashes appropriately applied to your forehead.

On the other hand, you could take my grandmother's line, "Soap will kill your skin... so what's wrong with water?!" My bones are ten years older than the rest of me and my skin is ten years younger ;-) call it gin and tap water.

Kimberly said...

Like your daughter, I have the entire Clinique line-up carefully selected for my skin type and age. Now if only I could remember to use all of it every day, I'm sure my skin would be radiant, dewy... all those things that we want our skin to be. I manage clean and moisturized each morning, and use those other things every once in a while. Here's another confession: other than Clinique foundation (wouldn't want a bad reaction with the moisturizer), I use drugstore makeup... and I mix brands. And here's the worst confession for a woman born and raised in Texas: some days I wear no makeup at all.

Tiger said...

Wow, there are some very good reasons I am glad to have been born with outdoor plumbin'.

Anonymous said...
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la peregrina said...

"Unrefined pores." Advertising people are brilliant. :)