Ghosts of Christmas

Christmas is certainly a child's holiday. For most adults, the season is one of major expense, calendar juggling, family power struggles and end-of-year work schedules. I have tried to "get the spirit", but it has eluded me for the past few years. When my children were small, I enjoyed it more. True, very hard financially every year, and very emotionally / physically exhausting, but their joy was my joy. I guess at this time more than any other, the reality of "you can't go home" hits truer to the mark. All the pat and trite advice of slowing down, being thankful, and savor the moment are well and good, but not a panacea. Due to several life changes, I have much to be grateful for. As much as this past year has been wonderful, it has also been very stressful. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy Christmas, but I just can't get "there". Yes, finances are as usual - tight, but that is not really the issue. Part of it all is a loss of my father, my grandfather, and a grandmother who is in a nursing home unaware of who I am anymore. Another part is the realization of my age. I don't feel as old as the calendar says, but the thought weighs on me more than I pretend it doesn't. For want of a better definition, I am just sad.

I find much solace in the arms of my K-Man and he is the brightest star of my universe. A kind, gentle and happy soul. It is calming to be around him and I am envious of his inner peace. He finds joy in a Hershey's kiss. A dozen times a day I am reminded of his devotion. When I am frazzled and tired, he makes the world stay at bay for at least a short while.
He obviously loves Christmas, and if I have any excitement for the day, it is because I am near his aura. I hope that when his children are older, they will appreciate him more. If I have a Christmas wish, it would be for our blended family to be closer, and less of a "mine" or "yours" and more of "ours". It has been an uphill climb for me, and I feel like I have only reached halfway. The view from the top is still elusive.