Things You'll Never Hear In a Western Movie

(Blogger extraordinaire, DarkoV, wants me to divulge my source. Alas, I can only thank some Terlingua forum members for the initial quotes and inspiration.)

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"

"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."

"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

UPDATE:

A much appreciated reader sent in these additions to the list (Thanks, John!):

"At this chuck-wagon, we only serve open-range beef!"

"Look at the dead livestock around that pond of alkali water—we had better call the EPA!"

"Get ready folks, a scalping party is heading our way! No ma’am you DON'T have time to dye your roots!"

"Iron horse makes much smoke—white man is ignorant of global warning."

"I have color-coordinated lariats, imported from Paris, France!"

"Listen up cowboys, we are replacing our branding irons with henna tattoos for the herd!"

And from The Cowboy Trail, here's a few more additions:

"As your attorney, I must strongly advise you against participating in that showdown down at the corral. The liability issues are staggering."

"Take it from me, Festus, a good pair of nylons keeps chaps from riding up."

"Barkeep! Another round of strawberry-daiquiries for my posse."

"Miss Kitty, I don't think I've ever seen stirrups used quite like that before."

"In this town we got a way to deal with murderin' scum like you, Bart --civil litigation!"

"Whose turn is it to change the potpourri in the bunkhouse?"

"Well, men, the Apaches have burned down our fort and stolen our women...but considering what we've done to them, I think they're showing remarkable self-restraint."

"That's 'Sheriff' Richard Simmons to you, pardner."

"I cain't go in the saloon! Jesse's got the same vest I'm wearing!"

"Dadgummit, boys, slow down on that vichyssoise or you ain't gonna have no room for the tiramisu!"